Run #446, Saturday, April 2nd, 2005

Hare: Julia Child (virgin lay)

Location: The Colony, 2299 Lee rd, Cleveland Hts. OH

"Humpin' in the Heights hash"

Ahhh...a lovely couple of days of sunny weather in the 60's and 70's gave way to the other side of Cleveland in springtime - heavy wet snow falling sideways capable of covering a 4 foot hash arrow in 1 hour. As I awoke the day of my virgin lay, I realized that people weren't gonna go for my 6-7 mile trail with multiple beer stops.  As it was, I could barely bring myself to mark the trail.  I'm pretty sure I looked like one of those crazy biker bum dudes I've seen around town, riding my bike, backpack full of jello, pushing the pedals into the headwind.  I had just enough time to run everything through the dryer and get ready to see if any hashers would show.

So while waiting for the group to arrive at the Pre-Lewd, what should plunk down before me but three VIRGINS!   A person to be named later and Erin were a couple (married?) who just moved here from Seattle in January.  Eric was a Case student who had heard about hashers for a while (Hash-Curious) but hadn't made a hash as yet.  All three turned out to have a great attitude about the whole hashing thing, and made the best of the bad weather, and would make great hashers - we hope to see them again.

I was pleasantly suprised to see hashers trickling in, Rear helped me orient the virgins a bit, and then Dick Long, Too and K.O., Free Semen, Squeeky Cheeks, CWAB and Chocolate Box all showed up.

Much grumbling accompanied the announcement that I had to move the start due to the weather.  Of course I felt no guilt, as I knew it was much less grumbling than we would have had running for 2 hours outside. Anyway after (sort of) reorganizing at Euclid Heights and Coventry we almost considered scrapping the hash totally for a pub crawl.  After scaling my trail back from 7 to 5 to 3 miles, I just couldn't bear not getting outside in the lovely spring weather (Cleveland Spring Weather = snow/sleet/rain mix that soaked shoes and skin within seconds)

So I made a strategeric decision as Pubic Hare and headed toward what was to be a last beer stop before the On-In - my house.  After sloshing the mile+ to my Cedar-Fairmont 'hood, I took the crew to Jillian's, a pool shack/bar.  After a few pitchers of expensive cheap beer we ran two blocks to the warm up stop to have a Hash Chocolate (spiked cocoa).  Deciding I'd been dating the Hashers long enough, I let them meet my family (wife, son and dog).  It actually went pretty well - no puking or flashing (that was later), and was worth every penny I had to pay to RentaFamily for the appearance of a humble family man.  (I hope noone actually fell for that, right after April Fools day???  Oh, maybe the Happy House Harriers fell for it!  Was the golden retriever a bit much?)

I headed out, and later heard rumor that Free Semen upended the Kaluha bottle on his way out - smooth....that guy is smoooooth.

As we sloshed back to the On-In, I got someone yelling at me from a bus 'On-Oooonnnnnnnnnn' only to look over and see a hasher (Free and Dick Long?) taking advantage of the mass transit (to be paid for with a down-down later of course!)

After reminding the management of our On-In bar that I had cleared with them our arrival a week before, they reluctantly agreed to let the 'Hasher Dashers' sit in a nice windowfront table looking out over Coventry. As we got a bit rowdier (and devoured food like hyenas) we got shushed a couple of times like schoolkids.  We of course stopped all rowdy behaviour.

A circle up started with the usual Virgin song and a few more besides.  I continuted my tradition of headgear - thereby ensuring an extra down-down for me! At this point newly-inducted-as-HIR Erin asked me 'Is it gonna get any worse?'  "of course not" I assured her.

Free Semen with his eagle eye for trouble had spotted a bachelorette party near the entrance, and negotiated a song for us to serenade the bachelorette with.  We of course chose to serenade her with Allouette.  I had the great fortune of sitting next to the blushing bachelorette's mother (and WTF was she doing there anyway?)  I therefore had an excellent look at her face as it went from smilling to concerned.

Then we hit the verse about 'cum stained teeth'.  Ol' Mamma Bear FREAKED instantly - callin our tune to an end as I still had some sense enough to steer right to the 'real good sport' part.

Anyway, I'm a bit hazy at this point, I had a few million beers.  I think I whipped those Erie Halloween breakaway pants off (again) in front of the whole bar and got a few tips in my red thong underwear, but that could have been a dream.  As we stumbled On Out, Free spotted the bachelorette party trying to eat at the mongolian bbq.  Not sure if there was any mooning, but Ol' Momma deserved one.....

Anyway as I said the virgins were great, we'll see if we (meaning I) scared them off.  But as a side note.... A person to be named later?  I know it may be a bit early in his hashing career for any sort of official naming ceremony, but if this guy starts hashing and isn't named Person Later, Free Semen and I will be officially pissed off.

On and On and On (damn I'm long winded)

Julia Child